


Nobody expects the Dragon Inquisition

by JauntyHako



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Banter, Drabbles, Gen, Inquisition Shenanigans, Shorts, Varric explains Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-24
Updated: 2014-07-15
Packaged: 2018-01-26 09:29:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 6,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1683428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JauntyHako/pseuds/JauntyHako
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of drabbles and snippets to pass the time until DA:I comes out.<br/>Mostly banter and random fun stuff between the companions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tangled

"Don't they get tangled?"

"Excuse me, what? Are you talking to me?"

"Your ... robes, Vivienne. Don't they get tangled?"

"Where would they get tangled?"

Cole shot Vivienne's wardrobe a studious look. As did Varric. As did the Inquisitor.

"Well ... everywhere." was how Cole finally voiced all their thoughts.

"They don't."

"How do you do that? Magic? It must be magic. Even my coat occasionally takes a bit of vegetation with it."

"Not only occasionally, Varric. And not just vegetation, either." Vivienne said with just the slightest hint of dismay.

"But Chest Hair is right. You look always so pristine. How do you do it?"

Vivienne sighed.

"I don't do it anyhow. I'm just not rolling in the mud like the rest of you."

Varric shot Cole a look over Vivienne's shoulder (or rather, taking his height into account, her hips). He mouthed the words 'Blood magic' and grinned conspirationally. Cole snickered.

"I saw that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't read 'Asunder' yet, do it. Now. Cole gives me all warm and fuzzy feels with his innocent 'has no idea what people are all about' thing.  
> So, yeah, that's pretty much how I picture him to be in DA:I. Of course it's a bit of flanderisation, since I don't have much to go on, but I so hope he will continue giving his nicknames xD


	2. Two

"You know, I knew a Qunari once."

The Inquisitor paused, looking around to see whom the spymaster - Leliana - was talking to. She discovered that it must have been her.

"Yes?"

"Yes. He was a Sten of the Beresaad. We had many fascinating conversations. I remember he seemed very nonplussed by the fact that I was fighting as a woman. He said the Qun doesn't intend for women to fight so I could not possibly be one."

"This is what the Qun dictates."

The Inquisitor was wary, unsure where Leliana was going with this. Varric knew Leliana and realised it could very well be nothing. Listening to her rambling was worth it however for the pure joy of seeing the Inquisitor nervous.

"Well, you were not always a mage, yes? And you can't have been a soldier since you were living according to the Qun. What were you doing before you left your home?"

Even Dorian was silent. Vivienne had leaned forward just the slightest bit, her mouth slightly ajar in wonder. Almost all of them knew that their Inquisitor had been a Qunari before her magic talent had manifested in her adult years, but no one ever asked themselves what she had been before. The way she fought and commanded they had somehow assumed she had been a soldier, but, as Leliana said, that couldn't have been true.

The Inquisitor squirmed under the sudden attention, looking to Varric in a silent plea for help. This time however, Varric just smiled and leaned back, himself too curious to intervene.  
Finally she sighed, burying her head in her hands and mumbling something. Sera, who had been standing closest to her, stared in shock and then started giggling. Then laughing. Then she leaned heavily on the table, gasping for breath that would barely come between giggling fits.

"What? What she say?" Dorian prodded, unamused he was being left out of the joke.

Sera gasped and attempted multiple times to formulate an answer, before finally succeeding.

"A baker!"

The Inquisitor groaned. One after another the stares turned to her. Now not only Sera was laughing. 

"You were ... a baker?" Cullen echoed, having trouble connecting any Qunari with baked goods, most of all their Inquisitor. 

"Wearing an apron, baking cookies for the children." 

Varric doubled over, holding his stomach laughing.

"It was mostly bread." The Inquisitor mumbled but of course the damage was done. 

Leliana was the only one who was not openly laughing, but instead hid her amusement with a smile.

"That sounds wonderful, Inquisitor. You have to bake us something sometime. I've never tried Qunari cuisine."

Dorian fell from the table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of random stuff regarding Fem!Qunari. According to the Qun they can't be warriors or strategists so even if they are Tal Vashoth they can't have had any military training - unless they were already born outside the Qun.  
> Adding to that Sten's love of cookies, I knew what my Inquisitor was before she denounced the Qun xD
> 
> I so hope there will be banter between Leliana and Iron Bull where she goes all 'You're so not like the last Qunari I met' :D
> 
>  
> 
> Edit: This was before it was anounced that Adaar!Inquisitor will have been born outside the Qun, so I'll just add this to my list of 'Either edit this later or add to own headcanon' depending on how lazy I feel xD


	3. Three

"So, you can turn invisible."

"I can."

"You can go wherever you want. Nobody could see you. Or hear you. You can do that, right? Make people not notice you?"

"What's your point, Mustache?"

Dorian sniffed at his nickname, and twirled his indeed impressive mustache.

"Have you ever ... you know ... did what every man would do with your abilities?"

Cole's brow furrowed.

"The memories I possess come from a man barely more than a child. I do not know what every man would do."

Seeing as Cassandra was walking right next to them, Dorian's cringing was understandable. Yet he continued on.

"You know ... watching people."

"I watch people all the time."

"Really?"

"Yes. I do it right now."

"Wha-? Where? Oh ... no, I mean not like that. I mean watching people as in ... looking at young men. While they bathe, or sleep ... their athletic bodies hidden by only a tiny blanket, their chests rising and falling with each breath ... the slightest breeze could carry the blanket away ..." Dorian coughed. "Do you ever do that?"

Cole revealed a moment of rare insight by sighing in exasperation.

"I have on occasion seen naked men. Although I doubt that it had the same effect on me as it does on you ... I think."

Dorian shook his head.

"My friend? Your talent is wasted on you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another bit with Cole, this time with added Dorian - because you can never have enough 'brazen and clever' Tevinter Magister. From the concept art I sort of imagine Dorian to be a bit pervy - simply because its fun and not what you'd expect from a stuck up Magister :D
> 
> Edit: It was surprisingly easy to change the 'young ladies' part to read as 'young men'. The other things I wrote before his being announced as gay may require a bit more effort to rewrite. Ah, well :D


	4. Varric and Inquisitor Cuteness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is mostly my headcanon to the relationship between Varric and my Mage!Qunquisitor. In my head she was a pretty devout Qunari before discovering her magic talent and - after denouncing the Qun and becoming essentially an outcast - got pretty lost in civilisation.   
> And of course Varric would take it up and help the Inquisitor get around because he's sweet like that.

"I do not understand."

Varric sighed, as he shouldered Bianca. The Inquisitor often didn't understand.

"It's just an expression, Inquisitor."

"But why cats and dogs? It is unlikely that even a great storm could pick them up and rain them down on us. The animals likely all sought shelter."

"As we should have an hour ago." came Solas' grumbled comment from the back. They ignored him.

"Look, people don't think all too much about what they say. Occasionally when it rains heavily, the rain sweeps dead cats and dogs out of the alleys and on the open streets. So while they don't fall down exactly, it is still raining cats and dogs."

The Inquisitor mused about this for a while. Varric had learned ever since he first tried bullshitting the Qunari - the Tal Vashoth - Inquisitor about the origins of dwarves, that she thought everything over again and again, searching for weaknesses, kinks in the armour of truth. It made her a good Inquisitor, but a bad socialiser.

"But shouldn't the phrase go: It sweeps cats and dogs? As in it rains so hard dead animal carcasses are swept across the street?"

"I wish this conversation was swept across the street."

Again, they ignored Solas.

"It just doesn't have the same ring to it. People say things because it's simple or colourful. The meaning of the words don't really matter for most of them."

"I see."


	5. Chapter 5

"Cassandra, my dear ..."

"No."

Dorian managed to look hurt. Come to think of it, the Inquisitor thought, even his mustache deflated a bit.

"You wound me, most beautiful one. You don't even know what I was going to say."

"And I prefer it remain that way."

"One day, I am going to break through your shell and it will be ... wonderful. For both of us. I promise."

"Please just stop talking."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something very short between Dorian and Cassandra. There will be Fail!Flirting with Cassandra, I just know it.  
> She's just the kind of gal who takes no bullshit. It will be hilarious :D
> 
> Edit: I may edit this later to take into account Dorian being announced as gay *still squeals in delight* Or I may not and just leave this here as a humorous nod to how speculation can sometimes be so wrong xD


	6. Chapter 6

"I have a question, storyteller."

"And I'll gladly answer, when you call me by my name."

The Inquisitor blinked. 

"I did."

"No. You didn't. A storyteller is what I am. Varric is who I am."

It was almost painful to watch the confusion creep over the Inquisitors face. First her brows furrowed as if trying to give the head more space to think. Then her mouth twisted, in a silent agony that there was something that escaped her understanding. And then her shoulders slumped, admitting defeat in the face of cultural misunderstandings.

"I do not see the difference. What meaning does Varric have? It is not a word used in your language despite as a name. What does it tell about your place in this world?"

She tried. She really did. Being raised by the Qun, blind to everything other than this narrow view of the world and then forced to flee it couldn't have been easy. The Inquisitor tried her best to be open-minded, and so Varric would try his best to be patient.  
He sat on the throne - the one the Inquisitor despised so much and used only in public attendancies - and started oiling Bianca's strings.

"Who we are and what our place in this world is, these are two different things." he said lightly, scratching little bits of dirt from between Bianca's gears. He would never admit it, but he was having trouble explaining such basic matters to her. "When we are born, we are just people. We aren't assigned roles by someone else, like in the Qun. Only when we grow older, when life has pushed us this way or that, when we are being influenced by stories, by experiences or by faith, do we choose our path. Our natural talents play a role - I'm charming as fuck, of course I'd become a scoundrel - but they are not all we are." He paused, cradling Bianca in his arms. He petted her in a manner that was meant to be comforting to both her and him. When he looked up he saw the Inquisitor listening intently. "When we love someone that is part of us, but it is not part of our job. I like cheesecake but that's not mandatory for being a storyteller. When I explain to you the expressions of our language I do so not as a rogue, or a storyteller. I do so as a friend. The storyteller is part of me. But it is not all me. Varric is all I am and all I ever was every step of the way. Varric is the one word that can describe me."

As usual she was silent for a time. She contemplated his words, weighed them in their head. He could almost see the gears rattling behind her forehead. 

"To call you only storyteller would reduce your person to less than it is. It would ... cut parts away. Yes?"

He nodded and smiled with approval.

"That's the long and short of it."

"I have another question."

"Yes?"

"Is Inquisitor all I am?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a little elaboration on the way Qunari seem to handle names. Apparently they are given names (not just titles like 'Sten' or 'Saarebas') and they are chosen very carefully. I took a bit liberty and think it means that even individual names are more like descriptions that can be quite elaborate, instead of the single words we use as first names.  
> So the Inquisitors issue isn't really that Varric has a name at all but rather that his name makes no sense to her - as it is no description or title and wasn't assigned for any specific purpose.  
> Also my headcanon is that Qunari names are used only until adolescence when they are assigned their roles from which point they officially discard it in favour of their titles. So as a fully grown Tal Vashoth the Inquisitor has no given name and - since not Qunari anymore - no title except Inquisitor.


	7. Chapter 7

"A baker, huh?"

The Inquisitor looked up from her letters scattered about the massive oak desk. She offered Varric a rare smile, both invitation and permission to breach this subject. Varric, as usual, used the soft chaiselounge, sighing in relief as he sank in the plush pillows.

"I haven't baked a thing in nearly fifteen years now."

"That's a shame. There are few things I wouldn't give for a nice lemon cake."

"Is that so?"

He hummed his agreement.

"Maybe something can be arranged. Once this ... chaos is over."

"Might be a while then."

It was her turn to hum. She stared down at all the letters, reports and demands, witness to the war of all wars raging all around them.

"Did you like being a baker?"

"What?" 

The Inquisitor's eyes shot up questioningly.

"When you lived with the Qun. Did you like it?"

"I did. I still do... I am not Qunari, but ... sometimes ..."

"You still believe in it."

"The Qun is not believed. It is understood."

"Then you still understand it?"

She nodded, brow furrowing.

"I left the Qun by my choice. When I discovered I had magic talent I chose to reject the path to enlightenment and find ... I don't know. It just felt wrong being chained and silenced for this. I never asked for this ... this curse.  
I could have lived with the other Tal Vashoth. Instead I turned to the bas. Trying to understand. Most of my people don't. They ... resign to being outcasts."

"Do you feel like an outcast?"

"Not when I talk to you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't resist doing sweet things with Varric and my Inquisitor. Theirs will be a bromance that transpires time and space xD


	8. Chapter 8

"I noticed something, my invisible friend."

"I am not currently invisible." Cole paused. "Am I?"

"No, you're not. It's just more fun that way. I noticed you still call me Chest Hair. And while I am flattered - as is my chest hair - I was just wondering if there might be a reason to it. Giving nicknames is usually my thing."

"It is simpler that way. Names are ... hard."

"But you call Vivienne by her real name. Why just her?"

"I had another name for her."

"What happened to it?"

"There was ... an incident."

Varric made a small noise of understanding. And pity.

"She sure is a scary woman, isn't she?"

"Very scary."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might just be a little obsessed with Cole.
> 
> Seriously why is there not more fanfiction about him? Innocent, slightly (or a lot) dangerous, angst-filled past, awakens the mother-instinct in men with beards, he's the all-inclusive bishonen :3
> 
> Also, I haven't seen a bit of footage from Vivienne beside her concept art and description and I'm already scared of her. She's going to kick so much ass


	9. Chapter 9

And then came the dreadful day of Winter Ball.

 

"It is mandatory for you to show up, Inquisitor." Leliana said for at least the third time that hour.

 

"I have a war to win. In fact, I have five wars to win. As the Inquisitor I can't just go off dilly-dallying with nobles."  
  


"Dilly-dallying?" Cole whispered to Varric, who watched the conversation unfold - quill ready at hand.

 

"I taught her that one."

 

"Impressive."

 

Varric nodded self-satisfied but shushed the spirit as Leliana was about to speak up again.

 

"And going to the Ball is a way to win at least one of them. We _talked_ about this. The Game needs to be played and if Gaspard is going to win, you have to show publicly that you support him."

 

"Can't I just wave a banner?"

 

"No."

 

The Inquisitor threw her hands in the air.

 

"Vashedan. The people will run away in fear. I'm Tal Vashoth. _I have horns._ "

 

"So does Vivienne." Cole said to which Varric snickered.

 

"Yes, and such lovely horns they are. The other nobles will go green of envy. They have to fashion _their_ horns from cloth or hair. You will be the greatest sight in the hall."

 

"Given how tiny you humans all are, I do not doubt it."  
  


"So that's a yes?"

 

The Inquisitor sighed. A wise battlemaster knew when he was defeated. She moved to leave, undoubtedly to go practice her magic in the courtyard.

 

"Yes. But I'm not wearing a dress."

 

"You're a mage. You are already wearing dresses."

 

_"These are robes!"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it's confirmed that we're going to visit an Orlesian party to catch an assassin sent for Celene, so the jump to the Inquisitor having to socialise with the nobles on other occasions is not too far off.  
> Imagine a Qunquisitor mingling with the party guests, eating cheese of toothpicks and small-talking about the late works of some Orlesian artist or the other. Wearing a monocle. Please let there be monocles
> 
> Also, even female mages insist on these being robes! xD


	10. Chapter 10

 

Having the Inquisitor in a bad mood had its ups and downs. The downs were quite obvious. No one wanted two grumpy Qunari stamping through the Keep. Having Iron Bull around was enough. It seemed dangerous somehow, like having shoved ginger in a bull's ass and watching the animal slowly going insane. You knew, it wouldn't be long before someone ended up a smear on the wall.

 

The upside was most definitely the shortened interrogations. When a captured templar wouldn't spit out his information, it only needed one glare and a veiled threat from the Inquisitor to have him spilling every bit of information like he was puking it. And while Varric admitted that metaphor needed some shine, the results spoke for themselves.

 

Still Varric decided to put an end to this. The Inquisitor was a friend to him and had saved his life on more than one occasion. Saving her mood was the least he could do. And since he already suspected what the problem might be, he also had a solution ready at hand.

 

"Hey, princess."

 

With a thump he landed on the suft cushioned sofa - after removing the discarded weapons and armour from it - and watching the Inquisitor's brows fight to come to a decision whether to go up or down. They decided for a compromise and stayed where they were, the brain behind them probably arguing that without further information no proper reaction could be made.

 

"There are no people of royal blood currently in Skyhold Keep." she said carefully.

 

"I know. It's a nickname. How do you like it?"

 

"What's a nickname? What purpose does it serve?"

 

"Remember when I told you about names? How they describe all we are?"

 

The Inquisitor's face darkened but only barely. If he hadn't known what to look out for he would never have noticed it.

 

"I do."

 

"Well, a nickname is a name as well. It has all the properties of a real name."

 

"Then what is the difference? Also, the meaning for 'princess' is already set. It can have no other meaning."

 

Her mimic suggested neutrality. Her tone suggested curiosity.

 

"It can. The difference between a nickname and a name is that the former is given by a friend. That can be any word because as soon as one calls another this nickname it takes on another, secret meaning."

 

Now he had her. She leaned forward eyes intently on him. The stare of a Qunari giving all of her concentration was disconcerting, to say the least.

 

"What secret meaning?"

 

"When I call you 'princess', princess it means: This is all that you are, especially my friend."

 

It was the first time Varric saw the Inquisitor smile.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A follow-up on a previous piece. Varric gives the Inquisitor a nickname.


	11. Chapter 11

"So you were a baker."

The Inquisitor groaned.

"Can none of you ever let this go?"

"That's not going to happen, princess. Might as well roll with it."

"Ugh, very well. Yes, Cassandra, I was a baker."

"It's just ... I never much pictured the Qunari as the bread-eating type. I thought ..."

"That we devour the flesh of our enemies still attached to their bones?"

The Inquisitor gave a wry smile at Cassandra's embarrassment.

"I have heard the stories."

"Well, obviously not that. The Qun seems a rather ... strict religion. Things like cake and cookies seem to have no place there."

"It is true that until the ascension of the current Arishok there were no sweet breads." 

"The Arishok brought your people cookies?"

"He suggested them to the Arigena when he returned from his travels abroad. A basalit-an got to him the secret of baking sweet breads as a token of gratitude for bringing the foreigners the Qunari ways."

"Cookies for enlightenment?"

"That is what the stories say."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another little shoutout to cookie-loving Qunari. Sweet baked goods will be the downfall of the Qun xD


	12. Chapter 12

"That is an impressive bruise you're sporting, Mustache."

"Thank you, my spirit friend. I acquired it in a most heroic fashion while defending several orphans from Red Templars. And puppies. Not the templar's puppies. The orphans had them. Cute little things."

Cole appeared thoughtful.

"I don't remember any encounters with Red Templars these last few weeks. I think you're lying."

"Really? No shit." came Varrics unsolicited comment.

"Ugh, fine. I'll tell you, but you must promise not to tell anyone else."

"I promise."

"Remember when we went out the other day to grab a few drinks?"

"Of course. I am surprised you do, though."

"Yeah, yeah. Well, remember when our Grey Warden friend told us about that sure-fire, absolutely always working, no-flaw line to get a woman to get a woman into bed? The one with the nug and the honeypot?"

"Oh no. You didn't."

"I tried it out to see if I could get her last dessert that way. Let's just pretend this never happened, yes? And I wouldn't be surprised to learn the girl punched out the Archdemon herself. Also, did you know she has a pet nug? A gift, apparently. It bit me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dorian, I haven't heard a single line out of your mouth, and already you never cease to amuse me xD
> 
> Maybe I shouldn't invest too much in characters that haven't even been confirmed yet ... hm, naah.


	13. Chapter 13

"You have a crush on her!"

"I do not have a crush on her."

"Oh come on, it's plain as day. You even start stuttering."

"I-I don't stutter."

Varric only laughed. With a Qunari on the top of the Inquisition he was having the time of his life teasing the others.

"Don't worry, Cullen. You're not alone in this. Solas gets all flustered when our dear Inquisitor questions him about his people."

"You wish, dwarf."

"Not just wish, Shiny. Anyway, I am pretty sure Cole was watching her bathe the other day."

At that comment - as Varric expected - Cullen exploded into a beacon of righteous indignation. 

"What? Oh, that little. I told him to leave the ladies alone when they ... they ..." And deflated just as quickly.

"Are naked?"

"Need privacy." Cullen finished, glaring at Varric.

"Relax. It's not the same for him as for you others. He's a spirit. Who's to say he even has the parts to ... get excited?"

"You are a horrible person, Varric."

"My pleasure."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, Cullen is the only confirmed LI as of now, but a girl can dream, right? :D  
> I'm pretty sure that Cole and Sera will be LIs though, so here's hoping
> 
> (Edit: Wrong about Cole. Huh. Reading Asunder I never really pictured him having the mind of a child. Just scared, which, considering his situation, is quite understandable. Well, as long as I get to make him hot chocolate and hug all the pain away, I'm happy xD)


	14. Chapter 14

"She tried to flirt with me once, you know?"

"What in the Maker's name are you talking about, dwarf?"

"Our Inquisitor. Flirting with me. At least I think that was what she was trying to do. She came up to me - that was back when I still had to explain to her the concept of personal space - and offered me sex."

It was silent for a minute or two, when Solas tried to decide whether or not Varric was lying the blue out of the sky. 

"Just like that?"

"I told you."

Another bout of silence.

"Wasn't that ... scary?"

"My boy, it wouldn't be the first time a Qunari made advances toward me. There was this one time in Kirkwall ..."

"That never happened." Cassandra interjected, not even having to hear the story.

"You mean, I never told you. But, as to our dear Inquisitor. I admit, I was a little bit scared. Flattered, yes, but also scared.   
Ultimately, I explained that Bianca was my one true love and I was to be faithful to her and the Inquisitor accepted. And that was the end of that. So you see, my bald friend, she seems to go for the tiny, squishy sort. You may yet have a chance."

Solas only grunted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on the entire fandom praying that Varric will be a LI and me hoping for Fail!Romance. I want awkward courting. I want the Inquisitor's of all genders and races to pull a respective Aveline.   
> I want a dwarven Inquisitor walking right up to Empress Celene and asking to hide under her skirt.  
> I want Iron Bull to give up on life when an Elf!Inquisitor starts rambling about 'satisfying a demand of his Qun.'
> 
> Because heroes in fantasy games are still too damned-smooth xD


	15. Chapter 15

Occasionally, when the Inquisitor did her nightly walks through the keep, she could hear Cole crying. He was a spirit, and plenty aware of the fact, so he shouldn't have reason to cry. And indeed, during the day hours it had never been a problem. Only at night, when he slept despite the fact that he didn't need to, and dreamt about a life that had never been his own, did he seem to forget.  
In the beginning she had ignored this. With the Qunari, if someone showed weakness, it was either punished or ignored. Since she liked her companions she usually chose the latter option. Especially as she feared Varric's disappointed look.  
But she had learned about the other races, their customs and needs. When she passed Cole's room this night and heard him sobbing in his sleep, she entered his room. 

She woke him.

As she saw him crying, a silent plea for comfort in his eyes, she fled.

The next night she returned. And stayed, sitting awkwardly on the bed, as Cole hugged her lap, asking her to remember him.

Let it never be said that a Qunari didn't rise to the occasion. Apparently her role as Inquisitor now involved comforting people and so she watched. The refugees in the camp. The sick and dying in the hospices. Scared children and weary soldiers. 

By the end of that month she could hold Cole in her arms and assure him he was real and safe. She didn't feel so awkward anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would say that this will be enough about Cole, but I'd be lying shamelessly. He's just the pheromone to my shagging plot-bunnies. 
> 
> If after all it turns out he won't be a companion I think I'm going to cry. A lot xD


	16. Chapter 16

"Inquisitor? Do you have a moment?"

She put aside the paperwork, gesturing for Varric to enter. 

"For you always."

He relaxed a bit at that. She wouldn't just say something like that if she didn't mean it. Now he remembered why he had chosen to come to her in the first place.  
Instead of taking up his usual space on the chaiselounge, he sat on the hard wooden chair across her desk, fidgeting with the clasps of his coat.

"I don't really know how to put this ..." he started, which caused her to raise an eyebrow.

"Has something happened?"

"No! I mean, no. Not really. Thing is ..." Varric took a deep breath. "There is this girl I once knew ..."

She nodded, completely serious. How did he ever think she would laugh at him for this?

"We were close once, but things didn't really work out. She wanted to run away with me, you see, we made plans and everything. But when it came to actually leaving ... I got scared. I thought, what if the merchant guild caught us? We'd be done for. So I tried to talk her out of it. We argued, not pretty. She didn't listen to me and said she would go alone if she had to. She did. And the Merchant Guild found her. Bartrand ... he told me that they had killed her."

He stopped, a lump in his throat preventing him from continuing with his story. The Inquisitor, ancestors bless her, remained silent, waiting for him to finish in his own pace.

"But a couple of weeks ago I received word from one of my contacts. There is a girl in Val Royeaux who fits her description. I started digging into the old files and I never found any evidence that she was actually dead. So, maybe ..."

"You think it's her?"

"Yes."

He looked up, staring up - even though they were both sitting across from each other he still had to look up - at the Inquisitor. There was a war to win, world's end to prevent. They didn't have time for this. He shouldn't ask her of this, make her feel guilty for rejecting him. Turned out he didn't have to.

"If you want, we can go look for that girl of yours."

"Really? I mean ... thank you. I ... I'm not sure what we will find but it'll give me closure, if nothing else. I appreciate that."

He made to leave. At the door he was held up by the Inquisitor asking the one question he had hoped to avoid.

"Her name ... is it ...?"

"Bianca."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even though it's not yet confirmed I think it's pretty much impossible that Varric's personal quest won't involve Bianca. 'Those who speak' already gave a peek of exposition on the girl whose story Varric can never tell and my version of it doesn't even come close to the angst-potential hidden there.  
> I remember reading something official from Bioware hinting at Bianca still being alive but I can't for the love of me find it anymore.


	17. Chapter 17

"I expect everyone to be at their best. This is no mere quarrel between lords, this has the potential to devastate the world. Do you understand that, Sera?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"I will hope so. You knew, when you swore fealty to me that your actions would have consequences. That you would represent a powerful but nearly unknown organisation known as the Inquisition. Every thing you say, the Inquisition says. Your behaviour, your actions, your attitue mirror that of the Inquisition. Have I not made that clear?"

"You have, ma'am."

"And while I endorse my men visiting taverns and establishing a presence for the Inquisition and, yes, even allow them to drink and engage in merriment, I believe I also made clear that no one was to embarrass the Inquisition in public. Do you remember me giving this particular speech? If my memory does not deceive me it was not half an hour before you left Skyhold Keep."

"I remember, ma'am."

"Then why, Sera, did I have to pick you up from the guard house with the guard men giving me funny looks?"

"Because I overestimated my ability to hold Qunari liquor?"

"Yes, Sera, that is part of the problem. But the bigger part - and I am inclined to believe you will agree with me on this - may be that you caused general mayhem in the city by running stark naked through the streets and - and I quote the report here, I am not making this up, maker knows I wish I was - 'screaming at various persons of human descent to oppress you already' before storming the chantry and dancing 'The Oppression Dance' which may be better called the 'Liberty Dance' considering that two Chantry Brothers had to receive medical attention as a result of acute nosebleeding. I can scarcely believe that this wasn't all but, according to the guard who by then took up chase after you, broke into a house and stole the owner's honey reserves, scaring them half to death, and smeared it all over yourselves - which explains why you were a bit sticky when I picked you up. Luckily the guards could seize you shortly before arriving at the chicken dens as - if your incoherent yelling was interpreted correctly - you wanted to feather yourself. Does that sum up your activities that evening correctly or did I forget something?"

"Um ...."

"Yes, Sera?"

"Before all this happened I was swinging on the chandelier in the tavern and sort of broke the barman's liquor reserves."

"Ah yes, of course. I have his formal complaint right here. Well, I am grateful that you are at least honest with me. Have you any suggestions as to how to make up for the events?"

"Um ... I could work off my debt with the barman on my free evenings?"

"That is a good start. Go on."

"And, um, make a donation to the chantry?"

"Yes. Clothed, please."

"Yes, ma'am. And ... maybe I could apologise to the people from whom I stole the honey?"

"That is a very good suggestion, Sera. You will do all these things. Now before I let you go and change your clothing - I want my coat back cleaned by the way - I want you to tell me how you intend on preventing such occurences in the future."

"Well, ma'am. Next time I challenge Iron Bull to a drinking game, I make sure I win."

Sera grinned and dashed out before the Inquisitor could say something in return. She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, muttering something about 'children'.

"Had any success with Sera?"

The Inquisitor looked up at Cullen, who - good soul that he was - put a cup of steaming hot tea in front of her.

"As much success as there can be. With a bit of luck it will be one or two weeks before I have to make a formal apology to the City Guard again."

"Here's hoping. Need anything, Inquisitor?"

"Not from you, Cullen, thank you. But do send Iron Bull in if you will. I want to know why there's solstice decoration hanging from his horns."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shenanigans with Sera.  
> Concept art and that bit of leaked character description that may or may not be real picture her as a real fun-loving, bratty elf who relishes in being different.   
> She will bring shame to the Inquisition. Lots of laughter and sunshine, but also a lot of shame xD


	18. The Belt Buckle Thing

"Tell me again why you brought me along, Inquisitor."

"Because you have the most experience dealing with business except for Varric, who can't join us since he is afflicted with a cold."

"Cold my ass. He's just skipping out."

"Sera, please."

Sera groaned in a way that made clear the only way her day could possibly could get worse was if Cole came jumping out of nowhere, announcing that Iron Bull had finally gotten him to go drinking with them.  
But she followed the Inquisitor's lead as she stepped into the shop in the middle of the Orlesian Hightown.  
Here, so Cassandra had very pointedly told her, they hoped to find a sponsor to get Skyhold Keep into better shape so they could start making money of their own.  
The shop owner was one of the richest dwarves this side of Orzammar and was said to be sympathetic to people who came from nothing.

"Welcome, welcome to my modest emporium. How can I help you? Ah, don't say a word, I know exactly what you need."

The dwarf had started talking the moment he came scuttling out of his shop, practically radiating customer service.

"Maybe a new belt for your dashing garments? This classic piece is absolutely timeless, adorned with no less than fourty two unique gemstones from the very bonepit that Champion Hawke personally defended from two, no three high dragons and comes at the modest prize of just seventy sovereigns."

"seventy sovereigns!" 

The Inquisitor shut Dorian up but even her breath hitched at the prize. 

"We are not here to buy." Sera said. She was ignored.

"Or here, try this coat on. It is just your size, good Sir."

The dwarf seemed not above forcing the coat on Dorian, who didn't seemed inclined to resist though. The coat was made of bleached white leather adorned with gold threaded patterns all over it. And it sported buckles at not only the obvious places but also where the Inquisitor was sure no one had thought to put a buckle on before.

"That's ... a lot of buckles." Sera said while Dorian admired himself in one of the numerous mirrors.

"The latest fashion at high court. For the individualistic lord, who wants to shine with his fashion sense."

"Yes, uhm. I noticed a lot of ... belt buckles around here."

"Well, it's how I made my fortune naturally."

At this the group took a moment to stare. The group minus Dorian, who was still firmly engrossed with his reflection.

"With ... belt buckles?"

That seemed enough incentive for the dwarf to start a longer story, judging by the amound of breath he took.

"Oh, dear, don't you know. I made my living as a merchant in Kal Sharok, selling the buckles my brother made. I love him dearly, I really do, and there's no shame in admitting that he once had an accident in the Deep Roads that left him with a bit of brain damage. Ever since then he could make nothing but buckles, but those, oh boy, he could make.  
When we went to the surface we didn't have much hope to be honest. No one at home wanted to buy our buckles and we were so very poor because of it. But don't you know it, the humans were all over our buckles. They put the things everywhere. We could barely keep up with production and the orders just kept coming. Eventually we made a few good contracts with tailors and started up this business for good. Ever since then no one west of the Frozen Seas leaves his home without belt buckles. You, madam, are wearing one of my creations as well. Last year's spring order for Senior Enchanter Olma I believe. She was always an impressive lady."

"I never really noticed. But we do seem to have a thing for them."

"That's what I say. Now, about the contract."

Two hours later the Inquisition came out with a few bags of money and a mass order of belt buckles for the soldiers and employees of the Keep.  
The Inquisitor bought Dorian the coat, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Has anyone else noticed how the Dragon Age artists seem to have a slight obsession with belt buckles?  
> Just look at the giant thing that Varric's sporting. Even considering his height there's no way that thing wasn't custom-made.  
> Not complaining though, I love 'em xD
> 
> Also, after the last few announcements (especially the one about Dorian being gay *squeals in delight*) a few of my drabbles are no longer accurate. Maybe I'll revise them at a later time :-)


	19. Ride the Bull

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In celebration of Patrick Weekes announcing the Non-Racegated romance of the Iron Bull, which the awesome John Epler apparently made possible, a little snippet of the companions wondering how 'it' actually works. Because I am pretty sure that Iron Bull's private parts are at least half as big as an entire dwarf.
> 
> For this I chose a male Cadash Inquisitor and I made him shy and proper and well-raised, just to add to the fun xD

"I can't play, folks. 'm broke."

"When has that ever stopped you, Ms Owes-me-three-sovereigns?"

Sera's argument for that was a term the Inquisitor speculated wasn't supposed to be known by delicate elven women. To be fair the word delicate wasn't really something that applied to Sera and even the definition of woman (well, his mother's definition of woman) had to be stretched a little. 

To prevent further cheek-reddening outbursts of improper language Cadash suggested they play for truths and actions. 

It was something he would come to deeply regret, but for now the idea of having his companions bet with some questions they had about the others seemed like a good one. Undoubtedly it would help them get to know each other better.  
Or bond over their common interest in humiliating their boss.

 

The upshot of it all was of course that half the Inquisition was gathered at the table when Cadash lost this round and with it one personal question from Sera, who currently counted both her winnings and her blessings.

"Come on, you have to. You made up the rule." Sera coaxed, her chin propped up on her hands like the most innocent thing.

"It's only fair, Inquisitor." Josephine added. Wasn't she supposed to be on his side? Something in the job description?

Still he squirmed, looking desperately for a way out.

Even Varric chose to wriggle the knife in his back a bit though.

"This could provide valuable information for others in your situation."

"Are you referring to yourself?" Cadash asked, but Varric simply shrugged in a noncomittal manner, completely refusing to fall for this sad attempt at changing the subject.

Finally, when even Vivienne seemed ready to intervene and Dorian was long past the moment of grinning madly and shortly before having to massage back the feeling in his cheeks, he gave in.

"I don't even know how to answer this!"

"Well it's simple. How does it work between you and the Bull? Just give us a few saucy details." Sera said and waggled her brows suggestively.

"A graph might help." Vivienne added helpfully.

Cadash, meanwhile, sank in his seat, realising for the first time what true mortification felt like.

"It's ... fulfilling." he said and immediately regretted his choice of words. Sera's snort-giggle which usually didn't stop to amuse him, now only served to hammer in the last nails on his coffin.

"With the emphasis on the filling!" 

Sera was having the time of her life.

A few of the others however seemed genuinely curious.

"Do you really, uh, do it that way? Is that possible?" 

Cadash thought about telling them that he wasn't usually bottoming and as such, what they did had never been much of a challenge in a biological kind of way. However there was a good chance that Iron Bull - away on a small errand the lucky sod - wouldn't be too happy about having this particular part of their intimacy laid open.

He chose the diplomatic approach.

By fleeing for his dear dignity.

 

When Bull returned a day later and heard about his favourite dwarf refusing to leave the war room, he chose to enlighten his comrades in his own way.

Even Dorian blushed.

Henceforth the exact nature of the Inquisitor's sex life was considered compromising information.


End file.
